By Abby Adesanya
Anyone who’s dated in this day and age knows the distinct dread that comes with following up via text after a first date. Whether it was a good one that ended with a future plans, or a tragic one your friends heard all about the minute your new buddy hit the restroom, the post-date text is fraught with meaning.
Personally, dating in NYC has been a breeze! Kidding, it’s a total night terror. When it comes to this city, texting is a delicate tango where “I’d love to see you again soon” can be interpreted as “Hey, I thought of our wedding hashtag last night! What do you think of #SheSaidHess?”
You also have to be mindful of who’s on the receiving end of your messages. Will this sweet dweeb suddenly go bananas if I tell him thanks, but I don’t want to see him again? Will my desire for plans that don’t start with “Wyd tonight?” scare this moderately-attractive person away? It’s a gamble, but I’ve got you covered. Introducing text templates for modern dating! You’re now just a copy-and-paste away from getting your point across in a totally chill way! Consider me your best friend who alway answers that screen-shotted text within minutes and knew all the right words to say. I am 100% here to help.
The Scenario: Mismatched affections
What You Want To Get Across: “I’m looking for something serious and you obviously just want to get laid. I don’t want to waste my time, so put in effort or be gone.”
How To Play It: I know I’ve already said “we’ve all been there,” but for real! We’ve all been there! We’ve all encountered the one who hits you up at 10pm to “chill”, or the one who said “I would love to shoot you sometime” and you believed them. In these cases, one has to be blunt. Here’s what to say to make yourself crystal clear:
Copy and Paste This: “Hey, I’m looking for something more right now and I don’t think we’re on the same page. I think we’d be better off as friends — hope you understand.”
The Scenario: Pen pals
What You Want To Get Across: “Are you going to schedule a date with me or are we just going to keep texting? I don’t have all month. Let’s cut to the chase already!”
How To Play It: Wow, my nightmare. There’s nothing like finding yourself with a new pen pal after giving someone your number, whether on an app or IRL. I am pretty terrible at banter so if I have tacked on a “haha” in more than two texts, I get shook and know it’s time to direct this conversation into let’s-meet-up territory. Here’s how to get out of the conversation loop and take things offline:
Copy and Paste This: “I’d ask another question but then we’d have nothing to talk about once we hang! Want to chat more over drinks?”
The Scenario: Bored AF
What You Want to Say: “We had a few dates and I’m not feeling it — you’re a total bore.”
How To Play It: Look, you just weren’t into it! That’s something I’ve personally had to learn is okay to feel. It’s no fault of the person you’re going out with, sometimes we just don’t click with each other. That’s human. No need to pretend you like Phish just because your date said they wish they could have seen them in 1997! Here’s what to say when you feel too guilty to ghost, but it’s gonna be a “no” from you:
Copy and Paste This: “Hey, it’s been great hanging with you but I don’t think I see a romantic connection between us. I hope you find what you’re looking for!”
The Scenario: The big time
What You Want to Say: That was an incredible date, and honestly, with the way you respected my boundaries and didn’t judge me for having never seen The Departed, I think I might love you.
How To Play It: OMG, this is the most exciting (yet most terrifying)text to send. You had a good date and not only are you showing interest but you’re trying to be cool at the same time! A concept! Personally, I think the “cool girl” archetype must go down in flames and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with saying you enjoyed someone’s company. I encourage everyone everywhere to disrupt “the game” we are eternally playing and be open to sending one of these text options if you think it’ll be well-received:
Copy and Paste This: *link to something relevant you both thought was interesting/funny!*
Copy and Paste This: I had a great time last night. 🙂 Hope you (have a good weekend/woke up hangover-free/aren’t as full as I am from all that sushi).
There you have it, people: texting demystified. It’s a wild world of romance out there. Sometimes our texts will go unanswered or single emoji-ed, sometimes they’ll close a door, and other times they’ll open one with your 6’0”+ dream date standing behind it. You’ll never know until you press send.
Abby Adesanya is New York City-based marketer and Founder/CEO of Novella, a writing club and storytelling salon for women. As a writer since childhood, she is passionate about weaving storytelling into every narrative of her work. As a New Jersey native, she spends a lot of time talking loud and fast and puts on Hot 97 in every car she finds herself in. You can find her on Instagram: @abbyadesanya and Novella: @novellanyc.