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Kink / Trans Experiences

How A Pro-Domme Helped Me Transition

"All the guilt and fear I accumulated over the years smashed against the everyday routine of her explanations."

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Written and Art by Kaoru Neve.

“I want it. I need it. I feel it. I can do it now. I just need to book. It’s so close”. 

My thoughts were racing after reading a direct and detailed experience of someone who attended a kink party. One of the many evocative ones I’ve read over the years, well written, but nothing special in itself. What was different? Weeks before I found the courage to go to my first kink event, I broke the ice, and now everything zoomed closer. Every event was just one booking away, one click away, one night away — that was the difference.

Luckily I was able to reach out to a friend, ask questions, and come back to earth. How many people did I know there? How much of that had I experienced before? Was that too much of a jump? Did I really think it through? I understood then. It didn’t matter how much I read about it before, or how prepared I thought to be: I was experiencing “sub-frenzy”, that mental state where one wants to try all. the. kinky. things. NOW.

“I need someone I can ask questions to. Someone like a professional, that knows things, has lots of experience. Why doesn’t something like this exist in kink?” Then I added two plus two and had the most brilliant (and obvious) realization, I needed to find a pro-domme!

While part of my brain was going “wheeee!”, the other part was hyper-conscious about how dangerous this could become, how much it would lower my risk tolerance. I felt like having one of these old exaggerated cartoons with two characters in my brain, where the calm one was trying to get the hyperactive bunny to stop wrecking the house.

I spent a few days thinking about it, but the sub-frenzy didn’t really go away. My brain was stuck there. It wasn’t bad, if it was just between me and myself it could have been nice, but I really wanted to avoid doing something reckless. My brain then took a detour that even today makes me laugh at how naïve I was. I thought to myself, “I need someone I can ask questions to. Someone like a professional, that knows things, has lots of experience. Why doesn’t something like this exist in kink?” Then I added two plus two and had the most brilliant (and obvious) realization, I needed to find a pro-domme!

It was the normalcy, the calm obviousness that all these things were a common occurrence for her that made me feel ok. All the guilt and fear I accumulated over the years smashed against the everyday routine of her explanations.

My first time with a pro-domme wasn’t anything spicy. In fact, it was quite boring. I booked two hours to go through a list of questions and a list of all the kinky fantasies I had collected so far. That’s it. Nothing more than a chat. The thing is… the questions were important, but in some ways, I knew they were just an excuse. As much as I checked the references via my friends and contacts, this was my first time meeting a professional dominatrix—at least that I know of, as I know better now—and avoiding so many new things at once helped me to deal with the anxiety that showed up now that I had decided to do something like this. Just meeting and talking at her place, allowed me to see if we could get along. If I felt safe like everything was ok. If it felt right.

I had no idea what to expect, but I still vividly remember how much she clearly loved her job. She was gentle and accommodating, and she had a sparkle in her eye when specific fantasies were touched — from gags to spanking to pegging to breathplay to all the ideas I brought with me. What hit me (metaphorically, for now) was how normal all these sexual fantasies were for her. It was the normalcy, the calm obviousness that all these things were a common occurrence for her that made me feel ok. All the guilt and fear I accumulated over the years smashed against the everyday routine of her explanations.

It was so liberating and relaxing — it felt right.

She understood why I contacted her, and she was happy to help with my first experiences with certain kinks. She didn’t just want to go through the list item by item. She suggested weaving in the various fantasies in a specific order so that it was a proper play session and not just checking things off the list. She knew how important that was, how it wasn’t just about the various individual kinks to be experimented with.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t hold back. I was able to be me with my full sexuality.

My second time with her there were far fewer words. With my thoughts and feelings and everything racing, I had a shower, walked into her room naked, and knelt in front of her. She put a collar on me, and for the rest of the play, I did everything she told me to do. It was exciting, intense, and freeing.

For the first time in my life, I didn’t hold back. I was able to be me with my full sexuality. 

Which meant more to get through because there is an extra piece of this puzzle I haven’t mentioned so far. During the same time I was exploring kink, I was also questioning my gender. And my questioning at that point was a mess; all tangled up with my sexuality. I just couldn’t see it clearly. A voice inside me kept repeating, “What if it’s a kink? You haven’t explored your kinks yet, what if it is? It can be just that, just sexual, there are so many people saying that right? What if they are right? If it’s just a kink you can just play it out, find the right people, and you’re good. You don’t have to transition. It’s just a kink.”. Over and over. Kink or not-kink was constantly there. In some ways, part of me was hoping it could have been just a kink, as life would have been so much easier. Kinky, but easier.

That wasn’t what the universe had planned for me. With the sub-frenzy going away, with the realization of what my sexuality was once I let it go, it also came the understanding that it wasn’t a kink.

And I wasn’t a man.


About The Author

Kaoru Neve (she/her) is a shibari educator with a hybrid background in arts and psychology, on a journey of self-discovery and human connection — and a passion for teaching complex things in simple ways. Nothing makes her happier than helping people grow and blossom.

Follow on IG: @kaoru.neve | Follow on Twitter: @KaoruNeve


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