Image Credit: Nina Harcus
As powerful men across all industries continue to be exposed as perpetrating creeps, it makes sense that consent is so abuzz in our cultural hivemind. It’s a heavy, important topic — and rightfully so. But it’s also so much more than just an ethical imperative or a clinical affirmation to check off before getting down to business.
Consent can also make for really fucking sexy dirty talk.
Asking for and giving consent doesn’t have to be an awkward interruption during a sexual encounter – instead, you can make it part of the experience. Think about it: active, vocal consent means not just saying yes, but saying, “fuck yes, yes please, I’m so excited I can barely stand it!” It helps us understand what our partners want from us, and gives us the go-ahead to verbalize exactly what we’d like as well. In filthy detail!
After all, it’s the brain, not the genitals, that serves as our most powerful sex organ. Stimulating the mind via dirty talk — and using consent as the guiding force — gives you and your partner a language founded on mutual pleasure, experimentation, and accountability. The more communication, the more physically and emotionally satisfying the sex.
That said, dirty talk can be intimidating. What words should you use? What if you say the wrong thing? Plus, there’s also this fucked up myth floating around that claims excellent lovers automatically know what their partners want, and therefore shouldn’t have to ask. Not only is this false AF but it’s also harmful, and removes consent from the equation. To counteract this big lie — and to help shy little newbies everywhere get more vocal — we consulted the experts on the best ways to make consent-based dirty talk a part of your sexual repertoire. Let’s begin:
Generate A Yes/No/Maybe List
A yes/no/maybe list lets you see where you and your partner’s sexual preferences overlap. What turns you both on? What’s are your partner’s hard no’s? A quick Google search will pull up tons of pre-made checklists of sexual acts — from roleplay to ass-play. Use these lists as a jumping off point, and pay special attention to the acts that get a maybe response. Next, talk through the conditions you’d need to try out these maybes. Maybe you’re only interested in threesomes without penetration. Maybe anal needs to start as a fingers-only affair. It’s all valid.
A yes/no/maybe list serves as a living document where ideas can be added and responses changed. It opens up communication about what activities you think are hot, as well as what kind of language you want to populate your dirty talk. Slut, daddy, pathetic little trollop — it’s all up for grabs as long as everyone says “hell yes”.
Keep Asking Questions
Try out using positive phrases followed by direct questions to communicate what you want to have done to you during sex. Phrases like “I want you to lick my pussy, can you do that for me?” or “how about you eat my ass until I cum, would you like that you messy little slut?” do the double-lifting of expressing what you want and giving your partner a chance say yes or no in real time.
Playing around with phrasing can also make for some really hot power dynamic play. “Can I lick your wet pussy?” or “can I please eat your ass until you cum and be your messy little slut?” still drive at consent, but add a sub twist.
Whether you’re asking for what you want or stating what you’d like to do to your partner, always wait for their response before proceeding. Only affirmative and enthusiastic verbal responses count, anything else means no. Don’t try and coax that no into a yes; go back to your yes/no/maybe list and find something else you’re both excited to try.
Practice With A Proven Formula
Intimidated at the thought of improvising in the moment? Try out this foolproof formula for consent-driven dirty talk:
1) Say what you want to do. (“I want to eat that pussy”)
2) Ask their permission, wait for a yes. (“Can I eat your pussy?”)
3) Do it (*Eat that Pussy*)
4) Check in (“You like how I eat your pussy?”)
5) Say what you just did. (“Mmm I loved eating your pussy”.)
This five-step system helps you learn how to talk dirty and normalizes a safe, consent-based approach to trying out new moves in bed. It may seem silly, but try practicing saying this formula out loud when you’re alone, just to get yourself comfortable with vocalizing sexy words.
At first it will feel stilted, but soon enough the words will roll right off your tongue. From there, your imagination is the limit as you explore each other’s fantasies and learn what drives you wild with anticipation and pleasure. Here’s a big, enthusiastic yes to that.
As a former sex worker and educator (The Lusty Lady Seattle and Babeland respectively), Georgia Maxine is a proponent of pleasure based knowledge and knowledge based pleasure. She is a queer and a dancer/choreographer who is proud to work with mega-talented members of her community such as Nomi Ruiz (Jessica 6), Zebra Katz, AB Soto, and Sasha Velour. A food enthusiast since day one, she has always preferred salty snacks over sweets.