Interview and forward by Kat Lloyd.
Photos via La’Shaunae Steward.
Navigating sex and dating in a world that does not cater to fat women is a daunting, emotionally taxing task. In this ongoing series “Hot and Fat”, Kay Lloyd is tapping into the body-positive community to help change the way we think about size, sex, and self worth.
For long time, body positivity meant one thing to me: I am positive that I hate my body. I’d been conditioned to believe that being hot and being fat were mutually exclusive adjectives. Whelp, they’re not! However, they are difficult to negotiate. My toxic thought pattern was, “if I were thin, I’d be worthy.” While dating mostly straight men, I only felt needed for sex and conversation. Basically I was good for a fuck and banter, but not worthy of a relationship. I also came across a number of dates with fat fetishes, who seemed interested but were ultimately ashamed for enjoying sex with a bigger woman. Therefore, the worship, the sex, and the courtship was always conducted in secrecy. It’s an interesting thing being objectified, sexually desired, and yet shamed and rejected.
Sometimes these things were true, and other times I’d create scenarios in my head. My self-worth was low, so I’d use a hypersexual front to boost my confidence. I do enjoy sex, of course, but this was armor — inside I wanted more than just the physical. Since then, I’ve had to learn to stop fronting and remember to love myself. Also to not sleep with anyone who makes me feel ashamed! It’s a process, and I know that other fat femmes share in my woes. So with this in mind, I started this series. With the help of my favorite friends, educators, and community members, I want to help us all learn to navigate sex, relationships, and social circumstances while living in a marginalized body.
Let’s begin with La’Shaunae Steward, a fabulous model and influencer represented by Revolt Models. You probably recognize her from her latest collaboration with Jeffrey Campbell on a line of plus-sized shoes for women.
Kat: Do you believe sex with a fat femme is more socially acceptable than a relationship with a fat femme?
La’Shaunae: Yes, but only because we’re super fetishized — people are always insinuating that fat women are only good for sex. Just think of every fat sex stereotype! When it comes to actually dating fatter people, so many people shame it. If someone sees a guy with a fatter girl, the first thought seems to always be, “he must be using her.”
How often have you used your sexual prowess for validation?
Every time a fat woman is naked or scantily clad on the internet, men think it’s okay to comment on what they would do to and with us…as if anyone asked.
In a world that condemns being fat — but also sexualizes fat bodies — is it difficult to match one’s sexual comfort to one’s self-worth?
Always! Every time a fat woman is naked or scantily clad on the internet, men think it’s okay to comment on what they would do to and with us…as if anyone asked. They see us as an object and think that when we are doing things as a form of our own validation, that we really just want sexual attention and sexual advances. I wish they all knew that we’re just existing out here for ourselves. We’re not doing anything for any type of reaction from them— whether it be sexual or not.
Do you have advice on shaking the shame?
Be vulnerable, be open, and don’t lie about how you feel in any situation! Practice self love and practice doing things that make you feel good inside and out.