By Lina Dune.
If you’re anything like me, a big femme bottom, 24/7 sub, and all-around sensitive type whose only training in handiwork comes from the theatrical scene shop, visiting the hardware store can feel like going to Mars. Why are there all these tiny drawers of screws and bolts? What’s the difference between a screw and a bolt anyway? And why is that man at the end of the aisle looking at me so weird for monologuing at my partner about how sexist the small pink lady hammers are?
But the hardware store, like most oppressive patriarchal institutions, has some beneficial uses if queered.
But the hardware store, like most oppressive patriarchal institutions, has some beneficial uses if queered. If you look just below the surface, Home Depot or even your local mom and pop is teeming with sex toys. Consider this your guide to the joys lurking below the fluorescently lit, hyper-masc surface. Whether you’re a rural sex posi practitioner, an urban kinkster, or simply want to serve some Big Top Energy (or have it served to you), there’s something for everyone in this list.
Paint Paddles
These little guys are among the most humble and innocuous crossover tools, but they pack a punch. In a pinch, a paint paddle could be used as an impact toy somewhere between a slapper and a riding crop. Another bonus: it’s a great camouflaged impact tool that can be packed for travel or even hidden in the car for on-the-go punishment. Just be careful about splinters (or don’t)!
Leather Gloves:
It would be a waste to enter the hardware store and not address the construction worker/handy-person fantasy. If you’re ready to dip a toe into the role-play pond, heavy duty gloves could figure well into sensation play. And for the vegans among us, thick canvas gloves might be fun to play with as well.
Paint Brush:
Don’t discount the humble paintbrush in your sensory play! Options will range from small and wispy to large and wiry. Pick the brush that would most please (or torture) your partner and get to tickling!
Rope:
If your sexual fantasies involve rope play, you may have found yourself in the hardware store before spacing out at the spools of rope, hoping someone would come along and hogtie you. Or maybe that’s just me. In any case, the rope sold at hardware stores is often of the nylon variety, which has its pros and cons. Pro: it tends to be softer on the skin than, say, the jute rope that you might have seen on Instagram. Con: due to its slippery nature, it can be harder to untie than jute. If you’re not sure you’re ready to commit to rope play in your practice, nylon rope can be a good entry-point for the price. Just be sure that the rigging partner goes very slowly and has plenty of practice doing their ties without a person in them before graduating to partnered play. It would also be worth investing in a pair of safety shears in the event that the rope bottom needs out of a tie immediately. In a pinch, the one-sided pruning shears found in the hardware store might do the trick.
Painter’s Tape:
If you don’t mind a little light waxing of your body hair, blue painter’s tape can be a fun intro to bondage play. For the very hardcore among us, there’s always duct tape, but don’t say I didn’t say “I told you so” when you end up in the shower trying to scrub that gluey substance off your wrists/lips/nipples to frustrating effect.
Drill (?)
Who among us hasn’t been innocently scrolling to find the exact bondage porn we feel like watching before being suddenly accosted with the image of a dildo affixed to the end of a power drill, spinning away inside some (un)lucky bottom? For me, swivel action is not core to my sexual response cycle, so I’m not going to be first in line to be on the receiving end of this. For those who are, proceed with caution! The drill could easily shred the inside of a silicone dildo. But as long as the actual metal isn’t in a part of the dildo that’s being inserted into your partner this could be something where practice could make perfect. If using in anal play, again make sure your dildo has a flared bottom in the case that it dislodges from the drill.
Candles:
Having definitely catapulted ourselves into the kink deep end with the drill, time to get into the more painful stuff. Sex stores will often sell body-safe candles that can dribble wax at a safe temperature. For the masochists among us, this may not be quite enough. Proceed with caution of course, but regular candles can also be used for pain play. Use a wide-based pillar candle so the wax has a chance to pool before you pour it (a taper candle will be more frustrating to use). Hot tip: cool, dry wax falls off easily when you get up after a scene, so if you’re very concerned about clean up you can always spread a towel or tarp under the receiving partner before beginning play.
Contact Liner:
You know that spongy, yoga-mat-like material they sell in hardware stores that is used to line shelves? It could double perfectly as a surface for a sub to kneel on in a high-protocol scene. Having been the victim of sore knees and ankles after kneeling in front of my Dom on many an occasion, take my word for it. Especially if your play area of choice has hardwood floors. Ouch.
Sand:
On the exact opposite side of this coin is sand. Naughty subs are often directed to kneel on rice, but the finer grain of sand could be a good intro to the sensation. It will be very frustrating to clean up as well, which of course can be part of the punishment fun and games.
Screw Eyes & Double-Ended Clips:
Now we’re getting into the practical stuff. If bondage is an integral part of your sexual routine, you might consider installing permanent hooks (technically called screw eyes) into your space to make your bondage/impact workflow as orderly as possible. First, make sure you have wrist cuffs for the bottom partner (ideally adjustable if they are shared by switchy partners). Next, find hooks and clips like those pictured in the links above. These can be screwed into either side of the top of a doorframe by first drilling a pilot hole of the appropriate size, followed by the insertion of the hook. Door frames are load bearing, so once installed, use your clips to attach to the cuffs and then place your partner’s hands up in the doorframe. If you’d like to further restrict their movement, a leg-spreader can be attached to ankle cuffs. Now you can proceed with your impact play with your sub in a more ergonomical standing position.
Chain & Carabiners:
This one is really an upgrade package for the above. In the event that your sub, when standing, can’t reach the top of your doorframe, a short length of chain and some carabiners can be used to extend from the hooks to the clips attached to the sub’s wrists. It’s vital in this position to make sure there is no pressure on the sub’s wrists from reaching. We don’t want any tingly extremities. Of course, the sub could always be dressed up in high heels, but that’s a whole new torture in and of itself.
Sawhorse/Work Stand:
Finally, if you prefer a more horizontal position for your impact play, you may also want to invest in a sawhorse to double as a spanking bench. Of course, you’ll want to be sure that it is sturdy and load bearing, but once you trust the sawhorse you have, a sub can be tied to it by their hands and feet as if on all fours and made to take the beating of your/their choice. And, depending on how nice the dom using the sawhorse is, there’s always the option of padding up the top a bit.
Lina Dune is a bi 24/7 sub, writer, and witch living in Los Angeles. LD is a pen name derived from two Anais Nin Stories — “Lina” and “Woman On The Dune.” You can find more of Lina’s work and ask her questions at askasub.com and on Instagram @askasub.