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Health / Motherhood

The Baby is Coming! (and So am I!)

By Paris Franke

The first I heard of this orgasmic birth thing was 6 years ago when I was pregnant with my daughter. I laughed it off and thought, “like hell!” Maybe you’ve seen the infamous “orgasmic birth” video floating around the internet. If not, picture a mid 30’s laboring lady masturbating in an outdoor bathtub with her nerdy husband beside her in cargo shorts, sensually kissing her. Next, imagine watching in growing horror as her moans get louder and louder. You won’t know what’s weirder, the act of masturbating during childbirth, or the fact that this couple is recreating it so well for the camera…or the fact you’re still watching it.

They do a great job piecing in scenes of the couple holding hands walking through nature as she describes the “earth shattering orgasms that kept coming and coming”. Pregnant or not, this is a new concept for a lot of us. And one I was quick to dismiss.

Orgasmic birth seemed so silly, and way too intimate and exposing. But, then again, how was I to know that during my first birth I’d be yelling at my sister for two straight hours to keep my butt cheeks held together so that my ass didn’t rip apart! Very exposing, indeed. A truly harrowing sibling experience, in fact.

Also, my ass ripped anyway.

I mean, there’s clearly no right way to push a bowling ball out of your vagina.

But, having just survived giving birth, I realized that the woman in that video didn’t seem so crazy after all. I mean, there’s clearly no right way to push a bowling ball out of your vagina. I had judged her too quickly, I thought, as I laid about in a big diaper soaking up the bloody stitches that held together my once very cute pussy.

After a few years, I was pregnant again. This time, I knew I’d  be totally alone and single when the big day arrived to put those healed stitches to the test. Those hand-holding nature scenes and sweet moans from that educational childbirth video came flooding back to me. I’m much more Woo-Woo these days. I once considered making cloth toilet paper, so touching myself for a few minutes with the potential of the best orgasm I ever had? Why not. No one else was going to be there anyway (insert pity party)! And I wasn’t trying to rip my ass in two again. And I sure as hell wasn’t trying to have another 36 hour long labor.

Those hand-holding nature scenes and sweet moans from that educational childbirth video came flooding back to me.

I looked into it and I found out that “clitoral stimulation” during labor can help open and soften the cervix, as well as potentially turn the pain into something much more pleasurable. I was totally on board. I had my $19.99 pink vibrator packed!  When the big day came, I arrived at the birth center already 8 centimeters dilated, which is very far along. I planned on a water birth, so shortly after getting there I got in the tub. My contractions were strong and I powered through them for a while until they got even more intense. I knew this was a good time to try to use my vibrator. I laid there breathing for a while, rocking back and forth thinking “Ok, am I really going to do this thing? Do I want to touch myself in front of Barbara the midwife? Ok-fuck it. Yes. Just do it.” So I opened my eyes and said:

“Can someone hand me my bag?”

To which they quickly responded “What do you need? Just tell me and I’ll get it for you. ” Damn it.

“Ok…I just want to try to use my… vibrator..”

“What did you say I can’t hear you?”

(Contraction coming on)

“My VIBRATOR. I want to try it. It’s pink, it’s in there and it’s clean!

I honestly don’t remember how she reacted because I had completely stopped paying attention out of fear of her reaction. The next thing I know my vibrator was in my hand. One nurse left the room at that point

If you’ve used a vibrator in water before, you know that the water makes the sound super loud. I clicked it on and held it down onto my clit and waited. I was in between contractions and didn’t really feel much. I decided to try a higher speed. I waited and quickly realized YOWZA that was too intense. I then clicked back to a low one. Of course, in order to do that you can to cycle through the other 10. Cue the loudest vibration sounds known to man — so much fun to do in front of an audience.

I was feeling myself enjoy it. Holy shit, it was working!

When I got back down to a lower setting, I realized I had been fooling around with the different settings so much I had actually taken my mind off the intensity of the labor. That was cool! So I held it there longer as another contraction came on. I felt my brain change thought patterns in the funniest way. The best I can describe it is that my brain went from “So stretched. Tight. Ow. So full. Can’t get comfortable” to “It’s full…it’s tight..It’s so big…” I was feeling myself enjoy it. Holy shit, it was working! And the contractions hit harder. The next one even more intense, but this time not in a painful way. My brain stopped viewing it as the biggest baby inside me ever and turned into the biggest dick I had inside me ever! And as soon as that shift happened, labor got real quick. Within a minute I had to stop because the contractions were becoming so easy that they started piling on top of each other. I got myself into full dilation in under 2 minutes. I felt like my vibrator had done its job, and I slowed things down to focus on pushing. Within 15 minutes my son was born and my ass and pussy were INTACT.

I held him in the bathtub as my dear friend snapped photos of me floating in bliss with the baby that my brain thought maybe was a dick for a moment. The vibrator had to be edited out of most of the photos. But I’ll always know it was there.

—–

Paris Franke could very well be the next big thing, if only she could find a babysitter. Follow her on instagram at @666milf as a cautionary tale for never having kids.

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