Written by Kimberley Spill.
Art by Matilda Sabal.
In the era of the #metoo movement, I am one of countless people who are attempting to work through bodily, sexual-based trauma. However, this isn’t a story about the painful and horrible parts of enduring bodily violence – this is a story about hope, and how the responsible use of ‘drugs’ has helped me (re)connect with my own body in a way that is revolutionary.
Sex has always been difficult for me; even sex with myself. Until recently, I didn’t really have a deep understanding of what it meant to have a healthy sexual relationship with my own body.
Close friends and loved ones would talk about masturbating around me, but I wasn’t able to really conceptualize what exactly fucking yourself, was or what it felt like. Don’t get me wrong – from a young age I explored my body, but it was always shrouded in shame like I was doing something ‘wrong’ or gross. As I got older and started having partnered-sex, my interactions were often unhealthy, violating, and misguided. As a Queer person, navigating the dynamics of sex and sexuality was even more complex. I began to shut off my ability to physically connect deeply with other people, and myself, as a method of protection. This is a common story. Many folks can relate to it.
But then I met her. And my god, she was intoxicating. She was gentle. She took her time with me. She romanced me and taught me how to spend time in my own body. She taught me how to touch myself in the most perfect ways. And she has facilitated the best orgasms I’ve ever had. Seriously, I’m talking about ground-breaking and earth-shaking.
I’m talking about her: Mary-Jane. Marijuana. Cannabis. Whatever you want to call her; she is one of many names.
As a tool for healing sexual trauma, cannabis became a way for me to become vulnerable with myself in a way that I never had the courage, ability or space to do before.
I am fortunate to live in a country where this drug is federally legal, and in a city where there are cannabis shops on pretty much every street-corner, and it isn’t uncommon to see people smoking in public. I know that there are a lot of places in the world where engaging in this activity isn’t safe or possible at all, and I’ve learned about the destructive ways that cannabis has been misused through government policy and the violent history against racialized bodies that it’s steeped in. This legacy can’t be ignored because we need this context to consider use and legalization in all its complexity.
I am not advocating substance abuse, but I do think that the altered states of consciousness brought about by the use of cannabis can be medicine for some people. Obviously, some bodies do not react well to the use of drugs or substances and that is perfectly okay – you know what’s best for your own body. Using cannabis in the way that I’m talking about requires being intentional, respectful and purposeful with it.
Go smoke that joint if you want to! Maybe you’ll learn how to fuck yourself until your legs shake and you have an orgasm so intense you think you might die.
I have mental health issues on top of sexual trauma. It is exceptionally difficult for me to slow down; to take my time, to listen to what my body needs, wants and craves. I’ve come to think of cannabis as a tool that can allow the pathways in my brain to make connections that were just out of reach before. I’m learning how to touch myself, and love myself, in just the right ways.
When I started using cannabis as a tool to open myself up (in both literal and figurative ways), my outlook on sex changed. Eventually, I learned to be more patient, gentle, kind, compassionate and affectionate towards myself, by myself. As a tool for healing sexual trauma, cannabis became a way for me to become vulnerable with myself in a way that I never had the courage, ability or space to do before. It allows me to sit with the trauma in small bursts, and to look at it, understand it, and give love to all of those places of deep hurt. Mary-Jane has taught me how to be a passionate and caring lover, both to myself and others.
So…go smoke that joint if you want to! Maybe you’ll learn how to fuck yourself until your legs shake and you have an orgasm so intense you think you might die. Enjoy your own presence, because you deserve to be loved by yourself, with yourself.
About the Author
Kimberley Spill (a pseudonym) is a Queer Settler from Calgary, AB in the heart of Treaty 7 territory (the homeLands of the Siksikaitsitapi, Îyârhe Nakoda, Tsuut’ina and the Métis Nation). This piece was written while living on the unceded homeLands of the xʷməθkʷəy̓əm, Skwxwú7mesh, and Sel̓íl̓witulh Nations (Vancouver, BC). She is a passionate scholar, educator, museum nerd, writer, and artist!
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