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Kink / Relationships

How to Talk to Straight Dudes about Pegging

If you’ve ever read the sex and dating sections of websites targeted to savvy, millennial women, you’re probably familiar with the idea of pegging. Coined by sex columnist and podcast host Dan Savage, pegging is the act of penetrating the prostate using a strap-on. It’s a practice lesbians have been into for ages, but in the last few years, a growing number of men have caught on too. After all, there is indeed a gland in their ass that can make them cum.

There is indeed a gland in their ass that can make them cum.

At this point, the act has officially slid its way into the zeitgeist. Anal toy purchases have increased by 200% since 2014. The act was featured in an episode of Broad City. An intimate toy brand called Lelo even titled 2016 as “the year of pegging.”  

If these articles are anything to go by, you’d think everyone is pegging their boyfriends 24/7 – but in my experience in cis hetero relationships, a straight dude who’s down for the deed is hard to find. So here’s what I’m left to ponder over: why are so many of the guys that I date still not down with me wanting to top?

There are plenty of resources to seek out one hit wonders, dating apps are great for this. However, that can feel hollow. Sometimes a girl just wants to peg her steady lover, ya know? “I just don’t want anything up there!” is a response I once received from an ex. Shut me down. No conversation. I thought the year of pegging was two years ago, why are there still so many straight guys unwilling to even talk about the  subject?

In this supposed age of pegging, why are there still so many straight guys unwilling to even talk about the subject?

“I think a lot of men still have hang-ups about anal being a homosexual act and/or assuming it to be painful,” says sex educator Debbie Estrada. “For those that can let go of silly stereotypes, pegging can be an exciting and pleasurable new act to try. ” She also notes the mind-blowing orgasms that can occur during prostate stimulation — and how this could be a selling point when approaching the conversation with an apprehensive partner.

A good way to bring it up is conversationally, outside of the bedroom. Set the scene by talking about other fantasies you might have, and ask “Is there anything that you’d like more of in our sex life?” Continue with “Have you ever thought about pegging?” and tell him that it’s something you’d like to try sometime. Let him know that you could start small and slowly, with rimming, fingering and work your way up over time, depending on his comfort level. Ask him if he has any questions, and be honest in your responses.

If he shuts you down immediately — that is his choice. But you never know until you ask! Internalized homophobia is a real thing and can sometimes stop men from being able to express their own desires, so you are allowed to have a conversation about why he’s so hesitant. The important thing is to create a culture of honesty and safety in your relationship; where you can both respectfully communicate your desires and hard stops without shaming or shutting each other down. For curious women who are turned on, the conversation can be awkward. I can’t lie: I did feel some shame for wanting to dabble, and even more when I got rejected. On a rational level, I knew I shouldn’t be ashamed, but I still felt it. Women are constantly crucified for their sexual fantasies, especially if they are dominant ones.

Just brand me with a scarlet “A” for “anal.”

If he does say no, ask yourself “Is this a deal breaker for me?” If you know deep down in your heart (and groin) that you want to explore this world and he’s not willing, it could be time to reconsider the structure of the partnership. Sexual compatibility is crucial for long term relationships.

Still, I say shake your fear and do a little more research on the subject if you’re interested. Check out the articles on Thrillist and Bustle, as both provide a great explanation on how to approach the conversation. Vocalizing your desires is mandatory for a fulfilling sex life. There’s a world of men out there just waiting for the right woman to bend them over — all that’s left to do is ask.

Kat Lloyd is a writer, performer, and a cultural critic residing in Brooklyn. She has been featured in BUST, Real Simple, and on The Brian Lehrer Show. Additionally she had hosted a podcast, Beat Face Radio, which showcased NYC personalities, artists, and drag superstars.

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