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Written by Arielle Kaplan.

Art by Park Avenue Puta.

Screenshots via Whoregasmic.

I’ve seen a lot of penises. Like, a lot of penises: big ones, small ones, growers, showers, curved, straight, circumcised, and uncircumcised. You name it, I’ve seen it. 

Most of these penises come from porn, some I’ve seen IRL, and I was recently graced with a bounty of cock from that iconic dick pic scene in Euphoria. But as of late, the penises are found in my DMs. Ah, the perils of being a sex influencer. 

By day I write for a Jewish medic company, and by night I make sex memes and explain to thousands of people why I hate cowgirl position (fine, I don’t hate it, but it’s definitely my least favorite). Dripping with sex positivity, mutual respect, and a desire to learn, the Whoregasmic community I built is pretty fucking incredible. The only downside? Unsolicited dick pics.

As a woman who constantly talks about oral sex and demonstrates how to use sex toys on Instagram, the abundance of unsolicited dick pics in my DMs isn’t surprising. But before I get into the new rule I’ve instated and how I’ve used unsolicited dick pics to my advantage — and how you, dear reader, can too — let’s review the mentality of an unsolicited dick pic sender. What motivates a stranger to send me a photo of their penis? Do they think I’ll erupt in orgasmic pleasure? Does it get them off? Actually, the answer is neither. 

In the first empirical study into unsolicited dick pics, a team of researchers asked 1,307 penis owners about their dick pic habits. The study found that unsolicited dick pic senders have higher levels of narcissism and sexism — duh — and that the most common reason for why men send them is what the researchers call a “transactional mindset.” In short, these men believe that if they send me a picture of their penis, I’ll send them a picture of my genitals in return. 

The second finding deals with a “partner hunting” perspective, wherein the senders believe that a picture of their penis is “how I express interest in someone,” or “this is a normal way of flirting.” Notably, the research concludes that most dick pic senders are just misguided, and not hateful: only six percent of men in the study cited misogynistic reasons for sending unsolicited dick pics. Cool! (For more on this study, listen to the “Virginity and Unsolicited Dick Pics” episode of my sex news podcast, Seven Minutes in Heaven.)

In light of the results of the study, I’m honestly flattered. But flattery doesn’t come close to making up for violating my eyes with an unsolicited, erect dick pic. After trying different tactics to stop the dick pic flow — blocking the perpetrator or sending back a picture of a naked mole rat or a penis I found on Google images — I arrived at the ultimate solution: my DMs are open to dick pics for $15 a pop. 

Honest to god, it worked. Well, sort of. 

How much money have I made so far? I think $60, which amounts to approximately four dick pics. Yes, it’s true, four true gentlemen paid me, in advance, $15 a pop to ogle their penises. It’s the ultimate “fuck you, pay me” strategy I think everyone should adopt. 

With the help of my enthusiastic followers, I popularized the new dick pic rule on Instagram to ensure the message hit the masses. But inevitably, I was recently hit with an unsolicited dick pic. 

Here’s what went down. 

Me: You owe me $15 or I’ll post your username on my story tell everyone you sent me an unsolicited dick pic. 

Him: Do it. 

So, I did it. The penis blurred, I shared a screenshot of our messages on Whoregasmic and tagged the perpetrator’s handle. I don’t usually out scumbags like that, but I felt it was necessary to prove a larger point in front of the court of Instagram. 

“Dear court of Instagram: I am SUING @asi.444 for $30 for sending me an unsolicited dick pic. Y’all know my rule. U wanna send me a dick pic? Sure, no problem. That’ll be $15. Unsolicited dick pics will cost you double,” the post read. 

Finding him guilty of the offense, my followers immediately rushed to my defense and began reporting his account, alerting me when he changed his handle, and sending me messages between them and the perp coercing him to pay the $30 fine. 

The unsolicited dick pic sender didn’t pay up, but given he was ousted from Instagram, justice was most definitely served. On my end, things only looked up. 

Hailed for how I dealt with the unsolicited dick pics, I somehow infiltrated the French sex memes sphere and was honored with a meme of me by meme king Raphael, AKA @mouratlepirate. Better yet, fellow followers were encouraged to adopt my rule and sent me screenshots of messages between them and their perps. Vive la révolution! 

As the iconic Britney Spears meme would say: “I only accept apologies in cash.” And if your DMs have been violated in the same fashion, so should you. Expose their ass, and get your money, girl!

Arielle Kaplan is more famous on Instagram (@whoregasmic) and co-hosts the sex news podcast Seven Minutes in Heaven. A Chili’s chocolate molten lava cake activist and Buffy the Vampire Slayer fan girl, she writes about sex, Judaism, and her favorite position (missionary).  Find her on Twitter at @whoregasmic2.